A friend sent me a message after reading my "It Ain’t Over Til It’s Over" story. In short he said that a) hey, basically men have heart too (hence, break up is not an easy thing to get over with) and b) girls sometimes can be really cold bitches as well.

And yes, I just realize that men can be a total messed up as well when dealing with post-breakup moment.

My first encounter was when I was in a high school. I’ve got a best friend who’s popular, charming, nice, smart girl, who dated a classic rock-style, rebellious, trouble-maker guy from the next class (didn’t we all, during that time, always fancy bad boys? Actually, sometimes some of us keep on fancying bad boys all the time….). After went out for a year, she finally realized that he’s not right for her, and dumped him. Of course being the macho man he couldn’t easily accept it, so she made a scene by going out with (oh my!) another bad boy, just to make him to leave her alone.

Bad idea. One night the guy turned up in my house. He brought the biggest knife I’ve ever seen (I’m not kidding!). I was so scared to death, but remained calm and had him in the living room. And, without any word, he just broke down and cried. I mean, literally cried, with water streaming down his face, while he was still holding that knife. While sobbing, he said he can’t live without my best friend (whom, silently, I cursed at that moment because I had to deal with her ex), and he’d better kill himself if he couldn’t get her back (ok, by that time I was a bit relief cause I know what the knife for: it’s not for me!). After a couple hours which felt like forever, I could calm him down, and he went home without doing anything stupid to himself or to my girlfriend or to her new boyfriend.

A psycho moment? Tell me about it!!

There was a neighbour, whose father happened to be my dad’s colleague. Unfortunately he decided to fancy me and started hitting on me, when I was still 17, and he’s 22-something (which, by that time for me, the age gap is SO huge!). We went out for some dates, but I was still in a "bad boy, rocker, rebellious guy" moment, so a sweet, responsible, older guy didn’t attract me. After a couple of weeks I had him sitting down in the living room and told him that I wouldn’t go out with him anymore. He cried. I was shocked because he’s five years older than me, a college guy, much more mature than me, my dad’s colleague’s son, and he cried. In front of me. Because of me.

After the incident, there were some ackward moments when I felt like I was pushed by his entire family (remember, we’re neighbours) to spend more time with him. I can’t really say no because the occassions were always wrapped in something else, like, a birthday party of his sister, an invitation from his mother to come over to try her new cook, etc.etc., and I always ended up being sat down next to him. I also was poured with gifts from the family (watch for my birthday, chocolate when his dad was back from trip, roses in Valentine’s Day).

After a year, I guess he’s tired of trying in silent, or just simply growing up, and he dated a classmate. So the book about us was closed. Frankly if knew about dating games like I do now, I probably wouldn’t remain friends with him, because it’s too weird, being dumped by a girl then having his entire family try to help him out. How sad!

Come to think of it, I’ve seen so many men did weird things during post-breakup. Here’s another one. A really good friend of mine in high school: larger-than-life guy, loud, cocky, sometimes like to make trouble just for fun, but also very cute, popular, rich, loyal to his friends, very smart but refused to use half of his brain, but misteriously always ended up having high marks. He went out with our classmate who’s totally different from him, nice, mature, quite girl. But he liked to play around, and soon ended up in a mud. The girl he was secretly seeing decided to be number one, so she went to our class and started yelling to my friend’s girlfriend. Humiliated, the girlfriend dumped him rightaway on the spot.

Outside, this James Dean guy remained calmed and started going out with lots of girls. I was the only one who’s allowed to see his soft spots. Once he called me up at 2 o’clock in the morning just to tell me he just spraypainted his bedroom red (her favorite color). All the bizzare things he did just to get over her didn’t heal. It took an awfully lots of time and energy to get him back to his feet again.

So what’s the formula to be able to bow gracefully when getting out of a relationship?

I don’t know. I guess it all depends on who, whom, when,what, why, and how. Like I said, one of my friends took it really hard after only 2 months of so-called relationships. So time does not determine that we wouldn’t get hurt.

But I know that one thing important when dealing with post-breakup period is friends. They would let us open our masks to pour our love, hate, tears, fears, wound, and pain, without judging us. They would tell us we’re better off without him/her, we deserve somebody much better, and it’s a matter of time to find a perfect partner. They would listen us moaning about how life treated us unfair and how we always ended up getting hurt. They would stand by us.

If you have friends, I guess it would be easier to get back to your feet again.

Consider yourself lucky. Because boyfriends/girlfriends can come and go, but good friends will stick with you. Ever.

Ever read Between Boyfriends Book? Cindy Chupack wrote wonderfully about the situation of being single - again! - after having a (so-called) relationship and/or a boyfriend. It’s funny, witty, hillarious book that will make you either a) keep on hoping to find Mr.Right by trying to avoid mistakes she’s made, or b) give up entirely and think that men - in general - are bastards.

But what does constitute "OVER"? When one party said it’s over, is it really over, even though the other party doesn’t agree with it? Is it over when you heart stops skipping a bit when he walks into the room? Is it over when he doesn’t call for more than 3 days and she doesn’t bother to ask why?

Men are not good at breaking up tactics. They hate to see tears, begs, yellings, and confrontations. Hence, they would hide in their cave, simply being unavailable, and pray that we - miraculously - will forget that we ever had a boyfriend. Or they would cause a scene, start accusing their girlfriends of being needy, clingy, demanding, and controlling, so that WE would break up with them. There are rare cases when we could sit them down and have a civilized talk about breaking up and decision to be just friends.

But then is it really over after that? Even when we say that it is finished as of today, do we really forget about them entirely the next days? Ever thought about him again when you smell the same perfume he usually wears? Ever cried over a stupid song because that’s simply a song you’ve heard when he said that you have beautiful smile? Ever tried to avoid the whole shopping mall or restaurant because they’re haunted by memories?

Is it really over if you still think about him?

Cindy has a very interesting definition about it (read the book!). But to me, I guess it’s really over when you basically don’t care about what’s in the past anymore. It’s really over when you can’t be shaken up with memories about you and him. It’s over when you could talk about the relationship or him without feeling the pain, heartwrenching sorrow, anymore.

To me, it’s really over when I could speak to him again without having the urge to a) kick him in the nuts or b) show off that I’ve got a better, newer version, of him.

It’s really over when I don’t feel anything at all. It’s really over when what’s left is nothing. He’s back to the society, civilization, as a human being, not my rudal target or eternal enemy.

"so many tears i’ve cried
so much pain inside
but baby it ain’t over ’til it’s over"   ~Lenny Kravitz~

My friend is still dealing with it. I’m still dealing with her breakup misery. She’s called me when I was having a good time in the UK, sobbing, announcing the news about the break up. It was a month ago. They went out for 2 months.

I’m still waiting for her to send him back to the civilization.

I’m sensing it’s gonna be longer than I thought.

I need to buy her Cindy’s book and sending her Sex in The City DVDs…………………